Mike, I, uh, I wanted to go over...
Your body with my tongue.
What? Did you miss a spot last night?
You were amazing.
You made me feel like a little schoolgirl.
Well, was that just because it was new and exciting
or was that because of that little schoolgirl outfit I bought ya?
You know why this week has felt so right?
We were friends for, like, 3 years before we ever even slept together.
Tell me the truth, though.
Don't you kinda wish we'd skipped all that friendship crapola
and just jumped right in the sack?
Mr. Flaherty, if class is back in session,
I've still got my knee-highs on.
You know, Nik, if we want to keep this relationship a secret,
I think, uh, I think we gotta cool it at work.
You sure about that?
Uh, I just don't wanna mess it up.
Mike, you can't destroy something this great.
Oh, please. I only destroy the good things.
It's the horrible things
that linger on and on in my life.
Hey, Mike. Ooh, borrowed your toothbrush.
What a storm.
Hey, James. You selling fish sticks on the side?
My motto is, "be prepared."
Boy scout motto.
You know, don't mention those little...
Motto-stealing bastards around me.
That's it. I just dumped Deirdre.
What? Weird Deirdre from upstairs?
It's over, and you know how I did it?
You killed her, didn't ya?
Nah. I was just honest.
And you know what? I think I'm gonna take a break from women.
Just be with myself for awhile.
That was nice. Ok. Back in the game.
Aunt Marie, hi! Hi.
Come, let me introduce you to all my friends.
This is Carter.
Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you.
Look at you, little Stacy,
helping run the biggest city in the world.
Hey, stace! Take a look at my paper clip chain!
87... beat that!
Come on, James. Meet my aunt Marie.
She is a school teacher.
Oh, no kidding? I went to school.
Yeah. What grade did you teach?
Fourth and fifth.
I went to fourth and fifth.
Come on, let's go show her around.
Stuart!
I take it, uh, you're still mad at me for dumping you?
No, silly.
But I am filing sexual harassment charges against you.
What? Why?
To destroy you...
financially, emotionally, and professionally.
Duh!
Ok, I need to know if there's a real problem here.
Does anyone here feel they have been harassed by Stuart?
Well...
Stuart's been sending naked pictures of me out on the Internet.
Paul, that's not harassing you.
That's harassing the Internet.
Anybody else?
Nope.
All right, that's what I needed to hear.
Well?
Well, the staff's with you, so I'm gonna help you out.
Oh, great. This is gonna be a cakewalk.
Deirdre doesn't have a leg to stand on.
"Item 1... lewd gesture with a Clark bar.
"Item 10... inappropriate use of the word mount.
"Item 11... pressing the elevator button
without using his hands."
What floor?
3.
That's not bad.
Mike, I did not sexually harass Deirdre,
and that's as plain to see
as the enormous Hooters on the chick who runs the coffee truck.
You wanted to see us, sir.
Oh, good. It's about time.
Carter got here as quick as he could.
I'm trying the talking-about-yourself-in- the-third-person thing.
You know, the way the athletes do.
That's, uh...
That's gonna be fun to be around.
Look, guys, I need your help here.
Great, anything. Anything.
I need to learn how to waltz
for this reception at the Austrian consulate.
Oh... oh, um... ok. Uh, well, sir,
the waltz is easy. It's just, uh...
it's just this.
1-2-3, 1-2-3,
1-2-3, 1...
no... no... no... no. It's a little more hippy.
1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3,
1-2-3, 1-2-3... 1-2-3, 1-2-3...
So, this is what you guys do at lunch.
Learning how to waltz, and there's nothing funny about it.
With the new security cameras,
I'll bet some guard's getting a kick out of it.
Ha ha, ha ha.
Shake it, fellas, shake it.
Allow me.
Come on, Carter. Let's show 'em up.
Carter's out of here.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Hey, Deirdre.
Where'd you park your broomstick?
About a week from now you'll be asking
your cell mate that question.
(IN BABY-TALK) And what do you want to be when you grow up?
What did I do?
Now, you both agreed to this arbitration hearing
to see if the charges warrant an actual trial.
Your honor, I would like to say, however,
that all of the plaintiff's claims are prima facie inactionable
and clearly form the basis for an outright dismissal.
Motion denied.
So, what now?
Well, I don't wanna worry you, but, uh...
I was kind of betting the ranch on that.
Ms. paterno, I thought you left.
Stacy said I could sit in here.
The airport's closed because of the storm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no. Don't be. I like New York.
It sure beats that dull little life I have
back in that dull little town.
Now you got me a little homesick.
Why don't you sit down here next to me?
(DOOR SLAMS)
I wanna live, James.
Shouldn't I be allowed to live life?
Yeah, that's cool with me.
Have you ever thought about dating an older woman?
Uh, just once.
Well, 3 times. Charlie's angels.
I don't know what it is, James, but there's something...
Something about you.
You seem so... So old.
So mature.
Maybe that's because you teach fourth grade.
James, it's time I took a chance.
Ok, I think I should be going now...
James, what's wrong? We're just talking.
For Pete's sake, Ms. paterno.
I know what's going on here, ok?
You have me alone in Mike's office,
you close the door, you ask me to sit next to you.
So?
Ms. paterno, are you trying to seduce me?
Yes, Carter was in perfect position
to observe the relationship
because Stuart is Carter's roommate.
Your honor, permission to strike the witness if he keeps doing that.
Now, Mr. Heywood, would you describe Ms. west as the aggressor?
Most definitely.
Proceed.
Well, uh, one time, Deirdre left Stuart tied naked to a bed
for over 6 hours.
Like I was the first one to ever do that.
Your honor, the bed in question
was on display in Macy's window.
Deal with that.
My pleasure.
Mr. Heywood. You are a homosexual?
Ha! Yes, I am.
Can you describe your relationship with Stuart?
Well, we met at work.
At first we didn't get along,
but, uh, soon we got close,
and, finally, we moved in together.
DEIRDRE: How nice.
So, it must have really upset you when
he stopped sleeping with you and started sleeping with me.
Ha ha ha... what?!
I object. That's...
Just not fair.
Because I stand between you and the man you love,
you want to hurt me by lying!
Oh, I want to hurt you...
I mean...
I... I... I'm not lying.
Carter doesn't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm still not getting this.
Close your eyes.
And just go wherever your body takes you.
The last time I did that, I ended up in Tijuana with no pants.
(GIGGLES)
I love it that you get me.
You do get me, right?
Better than anyone.
Now, come on. Close your eyes.
Ok. Dancing is emotional.
Oh, yeah, I feel it.
It's sensual.
Oh, yeah.
Now, just go where your heart takes you.
Sir?
Ah!
Stuart, Stuart, relax.
Listen. We're gonna make up ground
with our character witnesses.
Yes, he referred to me as "sweater meat."
But in a really nice way.
James, in the entire time you've worked with Stuart,
has he ever...
ok, I admit it. I stole Paul's tape dispenser.
Your witness.
Around the office he would call me janelle...
Or "sweater meat."
I knew it was James.
He's had his eye on my tape dispenser all week.
He never referred to me as "sweater meat."
Sure, he called me "eye candy."
He called me a breeder.
Oh, yeah, and what was that thing you called me the other day?
"Sweater meat."
Do you have any other witnesses
you wish to call forward?
The defense rests, your honor.
Seriously?
Bad news is, things don't look good for Stuart.
The good news is, I think we set a record
for using the phrase "sweater meat" in a government proceeding.
I can't believe they're gonna make him take
a leave of absence until the trial.
I mean, Stuart's gonna lose his job,
he'll never work in politics again.
This is awful.
Hey, what's going on in here?
Just keeping it positive, buddy.
Look, I just wanted to say that
I'm not gonna change who I am for anybody.
But you people have always accepted me, and I appreciate that,
and I'm... Gonna miss you all,
and I'm really gonna miss working here.
(WHISPERING)
What did he say?
(CHOKED-UP VOICE) He said this skirt
really makes my ass look nice.
Hey, Stacey.
I just saw this great movie
about a younger man dating an older woman.
Oh, yeah? What movie?
Uh, jumanji.
So what do you think?
I'm all for it.
Because I'm not interested in your aunt.
What if we were to guarantee you personal job security?
Don't need it.
Deirdre, you took 19 sick days last month.
3 of them for a rash.
No dice, Flaherty. This is all about principle.
Great. If this is a matter of principle,
let me hearken back to the words of my hero, Ben Franklin,
who said, "there's plenty more where that came from."
Mike, if you keep throwing the money around,
she's just gonna start dancing.
You're a toad.
You're a tramp.
That's it. Let's go, Nancy boy!
Stuart! Get out! Get out! Go!
I slept with your sister.
I was there, you idiot.
Well, you can't deny there's still magic between you two.
Deirdre, look, let me...
let me appeal to your... your sense of decency,
your obvious class.
Fine, I'll drop the charges.
Great.
If you have sex with me.
Right here, right now.
(THUNDER CLAPS)
Oh, maybe I should come back later.
You're avoiding me.
Ha, no I'm not.
I simply took my "meet and greet" walk by myself today.
So, how did it go?
I complimented judge stenciler's mustache.
I know. She was not happy.
Mr. mayor...
janelle, couldn't we find some work to do here?
Well, you do have some guidelines to approve.
Great. What kind of guidelines? Sexual harassment.
Super.
Why me?
The way you walk around like you own the place,
I figure you must have a nice engine under the hood.
Well, that's... that's just a rumor.
One you're welcome to spread.
So, what's it gonna be?
Just do it!
She's hot, and no one's ever gonna know.
Don't listen to him.
He's the one who told you to wear a speedo.
I'm waiting.
I have a girlfriend.
Well, bring her along.
Yea-eah!
Well, it does sound like a fair compromise.
I... I can't. The answer is no.
We are not right for each other.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, God. I owe you an apology.
Why is that, James?
Well, after what happened yesterday...
what I thought happened yesterday...
I was sort of under the impression that you,
you know, you maybe had a little crush on me.
You know, I've never really been that good with women,
and I'm sure I misread signs
and imagined the whole thing... stupid!
Unzip me, James.
Oh, sure.
So, if I've embarrassed you in any way,
I just hope you can forgive me.
Back... naked back.
James, I find you irresistible.
Ms. paterno... Marie.
I'm not gonna romanticize this.
We are two star-crossed lovers passing in the night sky.
This is not...
and I have to repeat myself...
this is not gonna happen.
Stacy never has to know.
I'm in.
Listen, in the interest of time,
how about you just paraphrase?
Basically, all this rule says is that no means no.
No! Yes.
No-o! Ye-es.
And here... this just means that people have personal space,
and that you have to respect that.
Also, you should never make inappropriate comments of a sexual nature.
You got a round little butt there, Flaherty.
Look, I don't know what you're trying to...
is it... is it round?
So, this just means you can't twist somebody's arm
to get them to do what you want them to do.
This is not about what you want.
This is about what mommy wants.
For God's sake. Are you people getting this?
Mike has gotta be enjoying this.
I think it's funny.
I mean, Carter thinks it's funny.
I mean... oh, the hell with it.
I think we got enough on Deirdre
to get the charges dropped.
Do you think we should go help Mike?
He's about 30 seconds from being unconscious.
Yep, there's the kiss. Next comes the choke hold.
Ha ha ha.
That bitch!
Oh, boy!
Finally, "no superior should subject a subordinate to...
romantic advances."
Janelle, I'm so sorry.
I mean, we have this wonderful working relationship.
I spend more time with you than anybody else in my whole life,
and I'm actually comfortable.
Do you know how rare that is for me?
The last thing I want to do is jeopardize that.
But, you're just so...
Important to me, and I... I...
ok, glad we cleared that up.
Oh, I love this place.
Well, I hope you're clear now
on what constitutes sexual harassment.
Definitely.
Now kiss me or you're fired.
You were never really interested in Deirdre, were you?
Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.
Ask her how she'd feel about
Deirdre coming over tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I've got nothing.
Right in the ass!
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.